Richard’s Carlson’s 1997 book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff; And It’s All Small Stuff,” sold over 15 million copies. The phrase became sort of a meme before memes were a thing. It’s a cute enough book, and some of its bite-sized lessons contain wisdom. But the truth of the matter is that some of the “stuff” parents face is big. Some of it shakes the foundation on which we have built our lives. Some of the stuff needs some very serious reckoning.
The small stuff can (with practice) be dispatched with humor and grace. You dropped your daughter’s homemade birthday cupcakes on the floor. Allow yourself a moment or two of frustration, use some strong language, and then, Get Over Yourself. Go to the grocery store and buy some cupcakes.
The Big Stuff is different. Your five-year-old still has epic tantrums. You’ve consulted with your pediatrician, then a child psychologist, and now you’re being referred to a child psychiatrist. This a whole new territory. You’re outside the parameters of typical child development, and your whole image of your child’s future is jarred, or shifted, or completely out of focus. What if she’s not ok? What if she’s actually not ok? This is Big Stuff.
And people will persist in telling you that it’s small stuff. “Just ignore her when she tantrums.” “Just stop giving in.” “Just stop worrying. She’ll be fine.” [Important side note: Any bit of advice that starts with the word “Just” is highly, highly suspect. The person giving the advice likely lacks even one single clue about what you’re dealing with, especially when you’re dealing with big stuff.]
When it’s Big Stuff, you need to recalibrate everything. When it’s Big Stuff, find someone who’s been there. Find another parent who really does know. Someone to just say, “It is so incredibly hard. And I’m working through it, and you’ll work through it too.” Whether it’s a support group, a friend with a similar challenge, or a professional, you need to be able to talk to someone who understands the enormity of Big Stuff. Someone who can also help you keep the Big Stuff in perspective. It will never be small stuff. But nor can it be ALL the stuff. You will succeed in recalibrating. Some of your dreams will be examined and discarded. You WILL dream new and wonderful dreams.
And in the meantime, you will look at your child. Your amazing, wonderful, beautiful (drives you bananas) child. Whatever the Big Stuff is, it doesn’t change who you are, and it doesn’t change your love for your child. It may open new channels to love you never would have known before.
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