I mentally pause on the meaning of the word “want” whenever I hear a child object: “But I don’t want to!” When our kids were small, my husband’s stock response to “I don’t want to!” was an upbeat, reassuring: “That’s ok, sweetheart, you don’t have to want to.” Even when the quip didn’t disrupt their squall, it made us both smile. And on some level, it may have helped them start to understand that they have control over their own emotions, but not always over when it’s time to go.
Older kids deserve a more nuanced response when we obligate them to do something they wouldn’t choose. I think of one approach as respect-and-overrule. Chances are the child has a legitimate reason for their preference. Rather than dismissing their concerns, we can help kids articulate their preferences, and we can validate their perspective. “You’re right. Going to the dentist is no fun, and sometimes it hurts.” Validating an objection does not mean giving in to it, though. “I get it. It’s no fun at all, but I’m going to bring you to the dentist anyway, because it will help keep your teeth healthy.” The parent is in charge, but they respect the child’s legitimate objection. In doing so, we help the child start to recognize the difference between what we desire in the moment and what we choose.
The flip slide of “I don’t want….” of course, is “I want.” I won’t reiterate the whole paragraph above, because it’s basically the same respect-and-overrule thing. It can be a bit more fun, though, since a child’s “I want!!” can often be an interesting conversation starter. I am a huge fan of honest curiosity. You might get an interesting answer to “What do you like about it?” or “Why do you want it, sweetheart?” The query may lead absolutely nowhere. The response “Because I want it!” provides no fodder for anything. But, “Because Jackie has one like it” opens the door to all sorts of follow-up questions. “Because it’s pretty” can start a creative conversation about pretty things you can make with items you have at home.
Clearly no parent wants to examine every “I want!” with a therapist’s eye, trying to discern the real need behind the request. But honest inquiry balances “I’m not going to buy that,” and sometimes even distracts the child enough that you can make a quick get-away from the object of desire!
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