A recent article in the online magazine Parents provides useful tips for raising a strong-willed child.[1] The article reminds us how our children’s assertive nature can be a long-term asset, and provides suggestions for managing day-to-day life with the kind of willful child who can drive a little bananas.
I’d like to focus on her fourth tip, “Explain your reasoning.” It’s my favorite of her suggestions, but I’d roll it back one extra step. Do your best to understand your reasoning before you try to explain it. Question and challenge your reasoning before your child does. That way, you’ll be ready for the inevitable “WHY DO I HAVE TO?!?!?!!” before that question is hurled at you by a mad five-year-old. Ask yourself with genuine curiosity, “Why does he have to? … In fact, does he have to?”
In our household, curiosity about our reasoning led us to defy conventional wisdom about dessert. I’m a pediatrician and the daughter of a nutritionist. I care what food that goes into my children. “No dessert until you finish your dinner” is part of the parenting canon, right? If there were a ten-commandments of parenting, it would be there, right after “Don’t bite,” and “Don’t throw sand.”
Here's where we started when we asked an honest “Why?”
1) We value good nutrition and healthy eating habits.
2) Dessert is entertainment, not nutrition.
Then a little deeper: We want our kids to eat good healthy foods, but culinary entertainment also has its own legitimate value. It’s a whole lot of fun to make and eat cookies. And also, we’d rather our kids learn not to eat when they’re not hungry. Given all these factors, how do we decide what’s best for our family, our dinner table? For us (and just for us! I’m explaining our rationale, not suggesting you follow it) this examination led to putting dessert on the table alongside the other food, with a careful awareness about portions. If the kids are going to enjoy the fun of a cookie, we decided we’d rather offer it with dinner than after dinner, when they’re not hungry any more. They can choose when to eat it.
Another everyday example: clothing choices. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a values-driven issue, but I contend that it often is. I remember with lingering resentment when I was a teenager and my mother complained about my torn jeans (this was the 1980’s, and torn jeans were not sold pre-torn!). Her stated rationale: “What will people think of me if I let you dress like that?” Huh. But when my own child asked why he couldn’t wear his pajamas to the grocery store, I had to wonder how much of my reluctance stemmed from fear of judgement. Maybe there is a good reason to make him change out of jammies. But before I insist, I should know what it is.
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